Raw

I think its been well known through the people that know me the best that I have had a hard time with my inspiration lately. Some of it was uncertainty of what I was able to do with the case that I have coming up in a few months and not wanting to hurt my chances of that. But a lot of it, simply, I think anyhow, was that I was lying to myself. I am one of those people that smile to hide pain or fear. I act okay when I am not okay. I laugh when there is turmoil boiling over inside of me. It's not only lying to myself...its lying to everyone around me. It's been a huge frustration to me that people that don't know me, don't believe the pain I have and I couldn't understand why they didn't see the pain in my eyes...or on my face. Don't get me wrong, I don't want pity but I don't want to be misunderstood either. I realize now it's because I have perfected the mask that I wear so well that I don't even realize when I am wearing it. It seems that somewhere along my path, I have picked up that its not okay to show pain, be it physical or emotional for whatever reason. It makes others uncomfortable to be around someone that might show that they are human and have weaknesses. It's time for me not to care about that anymore. With my cognitive thinking being impaired to the level that it is, its also extremely hard for me to freely express how I feel at any given moment, through talking, that is. The only other way I know how to show any form of expression is to let it out creatively with art.

I've been trying to teach myself to live a more positive life. To attract more positive things to myself, family and home. Of course a great deal of us jumped on that "Secret" band wagon and while I do believe there is a great truth to that, I also believe it is just one more vehicle for me to deny what I have crammed down deep inside of me. If I don't deal with those demons, they will only fester into a huge ugly boil upon my spirit. I am not going to allow that poison to kill the fire that I know I have inside, somewhere. It's just finding that side of me again. So while I do want to live positively and I DO strive to be successful in all aspects in life...I think its time for me to become more raw with myself. The only way that I can see that happening is to express that through my art. I can either keep pussyfooting around and pretending that there isn't anything nagging at me 24/7 and try to keep making silly, happy sculpts. Don't get me wrong, they certainly have their own place with me still and I haven't lost the love for them or my whacked sense of humor, But I yearn to face the darkness in the eye and reckon with it for the last time as I try to put my past behind me, where it belongs. No one ever teaches people how to heal while we face the trials in life...as we go along. No one ever comes with a set of instructions on how to forgive and get on with life. We have to learn how to deal with it the best on our own. We have to strive to find the right path and that only happens when we are ready to let go. Perhaps that's why there is no right or wrong way to cope and why we don't have our own emergency crash landing manual for life. There is no one right way to land this plane. Honestly, I feel like I am about 10 fucking feet from rock bottom and I am just hovering over that deep black hole that I have decorated to feel comfortable to dwell in for periods of time that are far to long. I have decided that its time to take this vehicle, I call art and use it for me. To make me heal. I can't guarantee that it will all be roses and petunias that I create...it could be a scary, ugly being that comes out...but that's one less demon in my head. If I give it a name and pass it on....even better for me. That's what it's all about right? Creating art for the love of it and showing your true form, expression, emotions through the only way that feels comfortable to the artist. It is about stirring emotion in the audience....so that they may connect with the art at some level too, I get that. But if I am to be true to myself, I will create for the love I have for what I do. All the rest comes after that and if done correctly...it should ALL fall into place the way its meant to be. In an aspect, isn't that attracting the things I need the most in life?? Healing by facing the monsters head on (instead of denying they are there or are just a lie in my own imagination) getting over it...and moving the audience with emotions they might connect with on some inner level? Sounds pretty righteous to me.

I'm done lying. I am ready to deal with the nightmares. I am ready to grow, to become a better, more whole being. I want my free-spiritedness back. I will finish my commissions that I have and then I am going to take time to create what I want to create for myself for awhile. I am ready to get back to the beginning and start to create with raw, pure, true emotion and I am ready to fall in love with my talent again. This time I want to stay on track with being honest with me.

I have survived! And I am GRATEFUL!

I was sitting here this morning, thinking about how long its been since my surgery. It dawned on me that I had it in November, around the 20th, for some reason that day really pops in my head. If it wasn't that day, well it was close enough. Then I realized that its been a little over 9 years since they took that quarter sized calcified, cancerous tumor along with my thyroid, as of this year. Although MOST thyroid cancer is the easiest to treat and one of the slower growing cancers...it's still cancerous all the same. It's still SCARY, especially when I had known about having a tumor for EIGHT freaking YEARS before I (was forced) had a biopsy done on it. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled with the thought of having a needle pushed into the base of my throat, especially 5 different times while the nurse helped hold me down. In hindsight, I wish I would have had it biopsied way earlier then that. All I did in the end was make things much more uncomfortable and painful, by waiting. I still remember when my Endocrinologist called with the the biopsy results. The shock that jolted through my brain and body was like no other that I had ever experienced in my life, to that point. I was a mother of a 3 year old son and an 8 year old step-son. I, of course, had no idea that I was going to be fine but that didn't stop the heartache of thinking that I might not be here for my kids. I think its common for the life expectancy to be a 5 year survival rate for most thyroid cancer patients, just protocol mainly. But I beat it. It wasn't something I was ever sure of until recently because I had only had 1 I131 scan after my RAI (radio active Iodine) treatment was done, mainly due to not having health insurance. (Normally, the Oncologist and Endocrinologist tend to like having that scan done 2 times a year for a few years then once a year for a few years after that, just to see how things are going, or so I've been told) But through recent blood tests, it looks as if I am cancer free. So YAY, now, I am positive that the right Doctor will come along and will be able to adjust my thyroid levels and adrenal gland issues and I will a step closer to being on top of the world soon. I think I will cross my fingers for that to push it through a little faster then normal.

But anyhow, here I am. The boys (adult and children sized) still get to put up with me :)- Poor Babies. Eehhhh....I think they'll pull through. I am extremely grateful that I am still a part of their lives and they are a huge part of mine. Same goes with the rest of the family and friends that I hold dear.

So today, I am concentrating on my art and the fact that I am so grateful that I am still kicking. It sure as hell beats being on the other side of the grass!

New Blog, New Year, New Life.

Yikes, I've never been all that good with these blogs, but I'm going to give it my best shot this time! I am Heather Leigh, a Wyoming sculptor, mother, girlfriend, daughter and friend, and not always in that order. I hope to use this blog as another way of expressing my creativity, updating my friends on my daily life and maybe post the occasional funny, here and there. Since I have been on Facebook, I have had the pleasure of meeting so many talented artists, sculptors and doll makers that it can actually get a tad overwhelming. I can assure you that all of them have been nothing short of inspiring in their own ways, however.

With the new year approaching, I have decided that I am going to make it all that I can. I have a deep seeded feeling that its going to be the start of a new life for my family and me, especially, and I look forward to it with a smile. I have had it with this economy and yet at the same time, its as if I can see the light at the end of the recession tunnel. I know for a fact that my boyfriend's business will be going through a major overhaul and its something that we need. Most people might consider it a bad thing, I see it as positive change and that we can only grow from here. I've not sculpted hardly at all in the last 2 years, but I've got a mind chock full of all sorts of ideas and that's why I added the label of chrysalis woodlands here on my blog for the new sculptures that I have in mind. *whispers*....It's a secret though, so I can't tell what's going on in there just yet. I am so excited to get started on that project but I haven't been able to do much, just know that I am really working it over in my mind...I can already see the beauty of the woodlands come to life and I will be drawing out some of my ideas as soon as I can so that I don't forget a thing about it. This, ladies and Gents, will be a fun ride in the woods! I have yet another idea on top of that but I think it will fit in with the Silver Spoon Studios header just fine so I will leave it there. That's a big secret too.

As for my new life...well, first, the guys of the house will have to move my studio into another room, hence why I haven't worked for awhile, other then my body not cooperating with me. It would be silly to start a project now when I have others to finish and then have to pack it all up for another move. I know once I am back in the space I was before I moved into the room where I am at now, I will have a better flow of creativity and have more room to move. It's awfully cramped in here right now with all the stuff I have and think I need for my studio. :)

So, I think its time to wrap it up for the night. I just wanted to make a post about what's been going on and the changes that are coming. I look forward to adding a bunch of artists out there to my blog list and getting to know all of you through your posts too. Thanks for stopping by!