2:59 AM


I think its been well known through the people that know me the best that I have had a hard time with my inspiration lately. Some of it was uncertainty of what I was able to do with the case that I have coming up in a few months and not wanting to hurt my chances of that. But a lot of it, simply, I think anyhow, was that I was lying to myself. I am one of those people that smile to hide pain or fear. I act okay when I am not okay. I laugh when there is turmoil boiling over inside of me. It's not only lying to myself...its lying to everyone around me. It's been a huge frustration to me that people that don't know me, don't believe the pain I have and I couldn't understand why they didn't see the pain in my eyes...or on my face. Don't get me wrong, I don't want pity but I don't want to be misunderstood either. I realize now it's because I have perfected the mask that I wear so well that I don't even realize when I am wearing it. It seems that somewhere along my path, I have picked up that its not okay to show pain, be it physical or emotional for whatever reason. It makes others uncomfortable to be around someone that might show that they are human and have weaknesses. It's time for me not to care about that anymore. With my cognitive thinking being impaired to the level that it is, its also extremely hard for me to freely express how I feel at any given moment, through talking, that is. The only other way I know how to show any form of expression is to let it out creatively with art.

I've been trying to teach myself to live a more positive life. To attract more positive things to myself, family and home. Of course a great deal of us jumped on that "Secret" band wagon and while I do believe there is a great truth to that, I also believe it is just one more vehicle for me to deny what I have crammed down deep inside of me. If I don't deal with those demons, they will only fester into a huge ugly boil upon my spirit. I am not going to allow that poison to kill the fire that I know I have inside, somewhere. It's just finding that side of me again. So while I do want to live positively and I DO strive to be successful in all aspects in life...I think its time for me to become more raw with myself. The only way that I can see that happening is to express that through my art. I can either keep pussyfooting around and pretending that there isn't anything nagging at me 24/7 and try to keep making silly, happy sculpts. Don't get me wrong, they certainly have their own place with me still and I haven't lost the love for them or my whacked sense of humor, But I yearn to face the darkness in the eye and reckon with it for the last time as I try to put my past behind me, where it belongs. No one ever teaches people how to heal while we face the trials in life...as we go along. No one ever comes with a set of instructions on how to forgive and get on with life. We have to learn how to deal with it the best on our own. We have to strive to find the right path and that only happens when we are ready to let go. Perhaps that's why there is no right or wrong way to cope and why we don't have our own emergency crash landing manual for life. There is no one right way to land this plane. Honestly, I feel like I am about 10 fucking feet from rock bottom and I am just hovering over that deep black hole that I have decorated to feel comfortable to dwell in for periods of time that are far to long. I have decided that its time to take this vehicle, I call art and use it for me. To make me heal. I can't guarantee that it will all be roses and petunias that I create...it could be a scary, ugly being that comes out...but that's one less demon in my head. If I give it a name and pass it on....even better for me. That's what it's all about right? Creating art for the love of it and showing your true form, expression, emotions through the only way that feels comfortable to the artist. It is about stirring emotion in the audience....so that they may connect with the art at some level too, I get that. But if I am to be true to myself, I will create for the love I have for what I do. All the rest comes after that and if done correctly...it should ALL fall into place the way its meant to be. In an aspect, isn't that attracting the things I need the most in life?? Healing by facing the monsters head on (instead of denying they are there or are just a lie in my own imagination) getting over it...and moving the audience with emotions they might connect with on some inner level? Sounds pretty righteous to me.

I'm done lying. I am ready to deal with the nightmares. I am ready to grow, to become a better, more whole being. I want my free-spiritedness back. I will finish my commissions that I have and then I am going to take time to create what I want to create for myself for awhile. I am ready to get back to the beginning and start to create with raw, pure, true emotion and I am ready to fall in love with my talent again. This time I want to stay on track with being honest with me.